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Time:01:29 pm
Sometimes you get a fancy new promotion that equals not getting to make lattes (which is what you actually like doing because fun old men tell you that you're the best of anyone at them and you make piles and piles of beautiful, meringue-like foam that is the envy of the world and you don't have to sit staring at a register all day and fondling nasty pastries) and start having to do silly things like churn out mocha barrels and foppoKeno mix and drinking custard, as Damian calls eggnog, to prep everyone else for things being just grand. But you get more money and you get to boss fuckwits around and you like your boss and don't want to disappoint and so you think, okay, great, I'll do this. But you are dumb and do not realize that it is the motherfucking holiday season, and that you get bronchitis every goddamn year around this time, and that you've stopped sleeping, and so stress factor heaps upon stress factor and you can't think straight and pulling 16 hour days is starting to really wear thin until you get in your car after work today and burst into tears because, fucking shit, YOU HATE FEELING INCOMPETENT AND UNDERMINED AT EVERY TURN.

And so you're crossing the bridge to go to your second job, because that's what you do now, you work, and you're crying and people are looking at you and you feel like a turd for getting this riled up about something that is so spectacularly unimportant, even more so than usual, and then you realize that King Kong has a midnight showing tonight and you burst out laughing and everything is great. Because when it all fucking blows up, you are a two year old who can be rewarded with flashy moving pictures, licorice, and high fructose corn syrup drinks. God, I am so fucking retarded.
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Subject:MARTYR ALERT
Time:05:06 pm
Note to everyone: Is there anyone who hasn't seen every movie that came out in the past few weeks and would actually be willing to see them with me? Cause I sure as shit would like to see some goddamn movies. Fuck, I'd even pay for your friendship - it's high time I became THAT girl. I know I'm not fun but I'm better than family - possibly.

I think it's awesome when certain people make you promise to wait before seeing Harry Potter (hello, family) and you do wait and you get really excited and then when it's time to see it half of them flake out because they decided to see it the night before.

In other news, a guy asked me out last night but I didn't realize it until after the fact and so I remain alone. I'm kind of oblivious.
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Subject:I just bleached my asshole and boy, are my arms tired
Time:03:45 pm
Having cable once again is perhaps the greatest thing to occur, ever. It is like the good lord sends manna down from heaven every day into the land of milk and honey (my living room). I get to watch awesome programs about women who are convinced they have ugly buttholes so they get their shiny orifices bleached. The best part is the product used - it's called Amazing Anal Bleach! I want to buy a gross and send it out as gifts. Here's my question - do I have an ugly butthole? Will someone tell me? I'm worried that my butthole isn't as pretty as it could be, and that no one will have the guts, so to speak, to let me know of this social blunder. Hopefully the special someone in my life will inspect me - otherwise, I could just set a mirror on the floor and squat.

There is a student who comes into the tutoring center named Xiao "Peter" Li. He is deaf. He sometimes comes with an interpreter, and sometimes comes with other deafs, and sometimes comes alone. He sure loves everything about the tutoring center, especially the ladies who work there. He has asked 8 of us on dates, including a lesbian English teacher in her 40s, and one girl he introduced to his father as she sat staring at the floor. He had his interpreter tell my boss she was the "Champion, number one of all bosses." He loves me because I chat with him about baseball and remember his name. Today he came in with his friend (I know this because he pointed and yelled, "My friend"). His friend was tutored by the craziest of all the crazies I work with (the woman is an albino with Apostolic Lutheran-length hair who wears pentagrams her forehead and has been seen beating her children in Target by many people. She's currently tutoring someone about right triangles and just mentioned interpretive dance while raising her arms above her head) while Peter made periodic trips to visit me at the front desk and show me what I can only surmise to be a Chinese Palm Pilot-Blackberry sort of contraption. He kept fiddling with it and then showing me the screen, which, again, was in Chinese. I would give my best attempt at an impressed smile and nod my head, and Peter would fiddle with it again, and proudly display more Chinese for me to read. Then he pushed some magic button and caused it to display a list of English words beginning with "A". I smiled and said, "Oh, you must use this for your English class." Peter nodded vigorously and said, "Yes, here," and pushed a few more buttons. He showed me the screen again, which was now displaying the word "Abdicate." He pushed out is arms and shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, "Of course. Abdicate. Nothing could help me in English more." He then went in the corner and the thingamajig started whirring and buzzing and beeping. Loudly. Obviously, he couldn't hear how loud it was, and I couldn't figure out a polite way to tell him it was disruptive. While I was pondering this question, a loud hurrah erupted and he pumped his fist in the air. Then it went silent.

15 minutes later, Peter came up to me and showed me the screen again. It looked like this.

00:34:23 -- a timer, with the seconds ticking down quickly.

I looked puzzled and said, "What's that? I don't understand." He motioned for something to write on and I gave him a post-it note and a pencil:

New York will Bomb.

I raised my eyebrows and nodded, because there really is no other reasonable response to such a note.

After 45 sec.

Again, eyebrows, awkward smile, pause.

Joke.

Oh, I know, Peter. Huh huh.

He laughed and then:

But this time fast to from Washington here.

Then he went back. 20 minutes later, he showed me a computerized rendering of small chinese people, labeled with letters, playing basketball. There are so many but-of-course, what-else-could-it-possibly-be shrugs and nods between the two of us that my shoulders hurt.
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Subject:I don't wanna close the mine
Time:02:12 pm
I'm moving! My house is precious.

The other Marissa Ann married a hitter, the kind of guy who screams at babies (what a stand up guy - based on him pouting after not being able to wear a pimp suit at the wedding, I would have never predicted this) and so is being rescued from Mormon-land as we speak.

My cat is being put to sleep. My stepmother is kicking out my dog, precious angel who now has to go live with my sister. All drama, all the time, like Lifetime television.

Yeah, the indictment is great news and everything, but this shit is really the breaking news of MY week
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Subject:Apostrophe abuse abounds
Time:10:30 pm
So I haven't checked my email in a good, I don't know, three months, but I needed something for work, so I logged on and prepared to delete thousands of crap mail. I was highlighting many a poorly written missive when an email from my cousin's husband caught my eye. "Kap invites you to join MySpace." This shit was far too good to pass up. I learned that TV is evil and contains evil news, and that someday he will meet who he wants to meet - Jesus! I learned that he likes music to which he can worship, and that ministers to him. I learned his interests include Jesus, hunting, fishing, hiking camping - Experiencing firsthand His Glory! And then I noticed my cousin has a MySpace page - her interests include Jesus, Scrapbooking, chocolate, and little girl gut giggles because she has the cutest little girl ever.

For those with the vaguest concept of my family, this doesn't come across as too shocking, except for that this cousin is from the 1 non Mormon family. It's a disease, this Jesus thing, and it's catching.
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Time:01:24 pm
I really hate working, I've decided. What I want to do with my life can be summed up by a simple new term that I coined that I would like to share with you all. Whenever you want to be lazy to the point of sloth, just filthy, dirty, I-refuse-to-bathe-this-weekend lazy, just say that you are "Federlining" it.

"Any big plans for the weekend, Mary?"
"Naw, I think I'm just gonna sit right here and Federline it."

I worked 43 hours last week at the cuntbucks and some more at the Tutoring Center. I didn't want to get in trouble for the overtime (because the assistant manager is the kind of douchebag who would schedule someone for 39 hours, make them go over because of poor planning, and then find a way to blame it on them) so I tried to find someone to cover a shift and a bitch had the gall to tell me that after a 12 hour work week, she was just a bit burned out. Saturday was the culmination of hell week. I was woken up by obnoxious xylophone music from the farmer's market, drove to the mountains to help my mother prepare for my brother's Eagle Scout thingy, went to the thingy after getting a concussion at my mother's, dealt with Mormon cows who asked what I was up to and, upon hearing, said things like, "Hmm. Well, that works. I guess." Then I went to work, where I was 15 minutes away from getting the fuck out of there when I spilled a 24 ounce cup of white mocha syrup over the freshly mopped floors. White mocha looks like semen and is the consistency of molasses. I got home and shivered on the couch for a while and wrote psychotic notes to Monica she later found scattered about the house. Yesterday I made sheperd's pie and forgot to do laundry. I have to sell a couch, get a storage unit, and move this week. I am not so happy about this list.

My life is so dull I am forcing everyone else to be a part of it.
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Subject:Chuckles and chortles
Time:12:09 pm
You know, if there was one thing I missed in my time away from the interwebs, it was the internet version of all the telephone calls the borgen and I have. The ones at 3 in the morning, when I am just getting up, and he calls to let me know that he heard the dildo getting fired up, and other such SLANDEROUS claims (I think it's funny that Mrs. Beest is secretly Ann Coulter). It's nice to see them from a different perspective, complete with humorous photos and even funnier visions in my mind as I scroll down memory lane and imagine Lourdes Jaime 7728 Beest Dub 4eva doing the same thing. Oh, the laughter and the tears, let me tell you.
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Time:11:14 pm
Praise Jesus for the cable interwebs at home. I smell illegal downloads - who's with me?
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Time:03:49 pm
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:eunicelorraine
Your haiku:tomorrow though when
i get things like we found nests
today one had eggs
Username:
Created by Grahame
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Time:12:52 pm
Today at work a homeless man came in to use the shitter and when I asked him how he was doing he jumped in the air and said, "I didn't see you there - only heard your chipper squirrel voice."

I do declare.

Also Sunday a guy let his dog take a huge dook on the sidewalk, leaving me to pick it up. It was awesome.
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[icon] All of the flavor and none of the guilt
View:Recent Entries.
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You're looking at the latest 10 entries, after skipping 10 newer ones.
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